Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
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[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I put the mess in domestic.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.