MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
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This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.