Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
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YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.