My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Batman v Dracula
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Any refunds available?…
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.