If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
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Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code