If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Called it
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶