My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
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Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
💁🏻♂️
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Well, that should do it
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes