[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
You Might Also Like
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
hey, alexa
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Its true…
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.