TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
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There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.