Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
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11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you