me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
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Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.