Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
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Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
doing your own taxes
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.