why I oughta
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A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene