In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.