So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
You Might Also Like
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Just me?
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me