Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
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Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff