What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
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I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.