*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
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Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Most fashion shows these days…
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Lmao the reply
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”