My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
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“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news