When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there