Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
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I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*