Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
You Might Also Like
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Where is your GOD now????
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
2022: I can fix it
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice