I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
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Grow up never but we old may grow we
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.