Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
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too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Just why bro?!
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not