I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8