Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
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I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Bond. Trauma bond.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
What personal space?
My dog
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys