My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
When your parents check you’re ok.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”