I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
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“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
guilty
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.