“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
(Electricians.)
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
We need to put an American base on the sun
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
shit, they caught us—run!!!
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Just a bush.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life