[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
You Might Also Like
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles