I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
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Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me