Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
set yourself free xox
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Monday Lisa
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order