You Might Also Like
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
December birthdays be like…
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
i smell a pulitzer
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.