If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
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you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
How can I say no to this ?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.