Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
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As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Oh my God.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.