Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
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You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.