The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
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I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse