*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
me refusing to leave twitter
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
me, too, girl. me, too.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in