Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
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He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate