*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
You Might Also Like
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I falcon love using swear birds
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I am yelling
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
This checks out
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Thinking about Jeff
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?