*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
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EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
*updates tinder bio*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.