[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Worth a try
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.