I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
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[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses