Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Worst perfume name ever.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit