Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
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Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.