12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
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There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
That’s what I call a flat tire
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.