Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
time for some seasonal decor
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks