[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
You Might Also Like
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
This was the best day of my life
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Seas the day!!!!
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.