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me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence