If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
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*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…